Wordpress Blog

Scott,

Now that is FUNNY!!!! hahahahaha

LATER,

BRANDON
Scott Wesner <saw42571@...

Note: forwarded message attached.

Nancy, thanks for keeping us updated. ray

Dawn had a little setback this week but
everything is back to the same as it was in my previous
post, #2664. I did not mention in that post that she
does not have full use of her arms/hands. Her right
arm will work for her some but her left arm is pretty
much without function. She wants, more than anything,
to get out of the hospital and go home. Hopefully
that won't be too much longer. <br
her up to God in prayer. She has already come further
than the doctors ever though she would. She's a strong
determined girl and with the help of God she will succeed.
Please keep her parents in your prayers as well. This
has all been very hard on them as too.<br

Welcome rodonas and matthe..Hope I got that right..Please feel free to post
anytime and hope you find this club friendly and helpful..Dorla

Sorry Heather but your jokes are not funny. When Scott sends his they are much funnier. He hasn't sent one in a couple days. BY THE WAY, SCOTT SEND A GOOD MAN. AND HOW IS YOUR BACK AND HOW WAS YOUR SURGERY ON YOUR FOREARM.

BRANDON
THE VALUE OF UNDIES
Always wear clean underwear in public, especially
when your vehicle.....
From the NORTHWEST FLORIDA Daily News comes
this story:
A Crestview couple who drove their car to
Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in
the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry
on with the shopping while he fixed the car in
the lot.
The wife returned later to see a small group of
people near the car. On closer inspection, she
saw a pair of male legs protruding from under
the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his
lack of under-pants turned private parts into
glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully
stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts,
and tucked everything into place.
The wife stood back up, she looked across the hood
and found herself staring at her husband who was
standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches
in his forehead.

THE VALUE OF UNDIES
Always wear clean underwear in public, especially
when your vehicle.....
From the NORTHWEST FLORIDA Daily News comes
this story:
A Crestview couple who drove their car to
Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in
the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry
on with the shopping while he fixed the car in
the lot.
The wife returned later to see a small group of
people near the car. On closer inspection, she
saw a pair of male legs protruding from under
the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his
lack of under-pants turned private parts into
glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully
stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts,
and tucked everything into place.
The wife stood back up, she looked across the hood
and found herself staring at her husband who was
standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches
in his forehead.

Heather had her male jokes, I just got these today. Remember, humanity is being able to laugh at yourself before you laugh at others!

1. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was
Always.
2. It's not true that married men live longer than single men.
It only seems longer.
3. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was damned near
impossible.
4. A man complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a
beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman ...
then ...pow!...it was.. all gone!" "What happened?" asked the
friend. "Ahhh my wife found out!
5. Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay,
but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
6. How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be
opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
7. A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha,
pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!" Martha
responds excitedly, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?!"
The man responds, "I don't care... just so long as you're out
of the house by noon!"
8. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down
the street bald and still think they are beautiful.
9. A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.
10. If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to
choose would you go to lunch or to a movie?
11. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he's
finished.

yep.. I do .. lol But do you answer it..lol Dorla..

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

I had a chat last night but it was some time
before I could get in. Kept saying I wasn't allowed and
there was an error.. Well, I'm not one to take getting
shut out lightly...Guess others had the same problem
too. Still having keyboard problems off and on so Hope
it holds together for a while till I can determine
the trouble spot..Dorla

Is Sex Work or Play?
A man wonders if having sex on Sunday is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So, he goes to a priest and asks for his
opinion on this question.
After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an
exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."
The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a Lutheran minister, who after all is a married man and
experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply: "Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!"
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi, a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. The Rabbi ponders the
question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play."
The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"
The Rabbi speaks, softly, "My son, if sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."

http://www.ferryhalim.com/orisinal/g3/dozen.htm

I'm not responsible for how many hours you spend trying to get the egg up the ladder...

I'm so glad you got to hear her voice Ray..
There's nothing like one on one contact to make a person
feel better about someone even if it gives us the
realization that things aren't at all the best for them.
Dorla

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax
and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the
older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight", the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They are for him.
He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would
be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one."

I spoke with Dawn this morning... despite the
fact that I had been warned of how her speech had
deteriorated and how to interpret some of the sounds she
makes, I found it extremely difficult to understand her.
I only understood one of her sentences that
included more than one word. I tried to ask her questions
or say things to which she could respond with either
a yes or a no and that worked pretty well. And I
even got her to laugh once. I could sense that she was
smiling a lot though, which made me feel pretty good, and
she got pretty excited when I told her I could hardly
wait until she got home and we could chat on the
computer. Realistically, I think it's going to be a long
time before that happens. What a sweet kid she is. My
prayers for her continue, as I hope yours will. Nancy,
thank you for your continued updates on her and for
your support of her.<br

A guy just died and he's at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafin' through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy. St. Peter goes through the Book several times and furrows his brow
"You know, I can't see that you ever did anything really bad in your life, but you never did anything really good either. If you can point to even one REALLY GOOD DEED -- you're in." The guy thinks for a moment.
"Yeah, there was this one time when I was driving down the highway and saw a giant group of Biker Gang Rapists assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em ripping the clothes off this terrified young woman. Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me. So, I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Layed him out. Then I turned and yelled at the rest of them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'" St. Peter, impressed, says, "Really? When did this happen?"
"Oh, about two minutes ago."

reminds me off the 'pepper, magnifying glass, and tweezer' story

In a message dated 1/24/2006 10:10:39 P.M. US Mountain Standard Time, heathersci@... writes:

One summer, the company that Andrew worked for
transferred him to another city. Andrew was
told that he had to take a new physical with
the company doctor to continue to be employed.
All the tests came out fine, but the doctor
remarked that Andrew had the smallest penis
he'd ever seen.
"Do you have any difficulties with it being
so small?" the doctor asked.
"Not at all" Andrew said. "I've got a wife,
three kids, and we have a great sex life.
But I must admit I do sometimes have a
problem finding it in the daytime."
"What about at night?" the doctor asked.
"Nights are no problem," Andrew said,
"because at night, there are two of us
looking for it!"

Dawn has been sleeping late every morning lately.
She has had two seziures and is now on medication for
them. Hopefully they are under control now. Her vision
in her good eye is improving more each day. Things
are not as fuzzy now as they had been. The other eye
is unchanged. She has lost total vision in it. Her
speech seems to be improving as well but her lower jaw
still does not close. <br
considering all the changes she has to deal with
now.<br

One summer, the company that Andrew worked for
transferred him to another city. Andrew was
told that he had to take a new physical with
the company doctor to continue to be employed.
All the tests came out fine, but the doctor
remarked that Andrew had the smallest penis
he'd ever seen.
"Do you have any difficulties with it being
so small?" the doctor asked.
"Not at all" Andrew said. "I've got a wife,
three kids, and we have a great sex life.
But I must admit I do sometimes have a
problem finding it in the daytime."
"What about at night?" the doctor asked.
"Nights are no problem," Andrew said,
"because at night, there are two of us
looking for it!"

Thanks for the update, Nancy... :)<br

A policeman pulls Henry over for speeding and asks him to
get out of the car. After looking Henry over, he says,
"Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot.
Have you been drinking tonight?"
Henry, drunk as hell and now indignant as well, retorts,
"Well, Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have
you been eating doughnuts?"

To join my group [INLINE]

Dawn had her surgery to put the gastrostomy in
place and she did well. She was back in her room in an
hour and a half so it did not take long. <br
with her this morning and she was in a very good mood.
She has some pain but that's to be expected. She said
that she was sitting up in bed but was ready to lay
down again. She can use her right arm some but not the
left. Her speech seems to be improving some and her
vision has improved in one eye. She now can see, she
says, but things are fuzzy.<br
family in your prayers.<br

I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud. These are REAL
notes written by
PARENTS in a Tennessee school district...

(Spellings have been left intact.)

1-- MY SON IS UNDER A DOCTOR'S CARE AND SHOULD NOT TAKE PE
TODAY. PLEASE EXECUTE HIM.

2-- PLEASE EXKUCE LISA FOR BEING ABSENT SHE
WAS SICK AND I HAD HER SHOT.

3-- DEAR SCHOOL: PLEASE ECSC's JOHN BEING
ABSENT ON JAN. 28, 29, 30, 31,
32 AND ALSO 33. (Talk about a looong month)

4-- PLEASE EXCUSE
GLORIA FROM JIM TODAY. SHE IS ADMINISTRATING. (now why couldn't my mom write
me a note for that??? hahahaha)

5-- PLEASE EXCUSE ROLAND
FROM P.E. FOR A FEW DAYS. YESTERDAY HE FELL OUT OF A TREE AND MISPLACED
HIS HIP. (gosh, I hope he finds it)

6-- JOHN HAS BEEN ABSENT BECAUSE HE HAD TWO TEETH TAKEN OUT OF HIS FACE.
(well, they weren't no use there no ways.. huh?)

7-- CARLOS WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE WAS PLAYING FOOTBALL. HE WAS
HURT IN THE GROWING PART. (it keeps growing??? OH NO)

8-- MEGAN COULD NOT COME TO SCHOOL TODAY
BECAUSE SHE HAS BEEN BOTHERED BY VERY CLOSE VEINS. (poor thang)

9-- CHRIS WILL NOT BE
IN SCHOOL CUS HE HAS AN ACRE IN HIS SIDE. (sounds bigger than a thorn..
hahahaha)

10-- PLEASE EXCUSE RAY FRIDAY
FROM SCHOOL. HE HAS VERY LOOSE VOWELS. (you can get excused for THAT??)

11-- PLEASE EXCUSE PEDRO FROM
BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD (DIAHRE, DYREA, DIREATHE), THE SH**S.
NOTE:
[WORDS IN ( )'s WERE CROSSED OUT].
(Love it! :-) )hahahahahahahahahahahahah

12-- PLEASE
EXCUSE TOMMY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD DIARRHEA, AND HIS BOOTS
LEAK. (probably ought to wash them out when he's done)

13-- IRVING WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE MISSED HIS BUST.(My mama always
told ME you can't miss what you never had.. hahahahaha)

14-- PLEASE EXCUSE JIMMY FOR BEING. IT WAS HIS FATHER'S FAULT. {You
know, this could be legit! ;-) hahahahahahahahahahahhaahahaha

15-- I KEPT BILLIE HOME BECAUSE SHE HAD
TO GO CHRISTMAS SHOPPING BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT SIZE SHE WEAR. (geesh..
that's just wrong..hahahahaha)

16--
PLEASE EXCUSE JENNIFER FOR MISSING SCHOOL YESTERDAY. WE FORGOT TO, GET
THE
SUNDAY PAPER OFF THE PORCH, AND WHEN WE FOUND IT MONDAY. WE THOUGHT IT
WAS SUNDAY. (I forgot to turn my clock back once and came to church an hour
early... wondering where everyone was at... hahahahahahah)

17-- SALLY WON'T BE IN SCHOOL A WEEK FROM FRIDAY. WE HAVE TO
ATTEND HER FUNERAL. (premeditated???)

18-- MY DAUGHTER WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE SHE
WAS TIRED. SHE SPENT A WEEKEND WITH THE MARINES. {I absolutely LOVE that
one!} tired, huh??? what a girl

19-- PLEASE EXCUSE JASON FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD A COLD AND
COULD NOT BREED WELL. leaving this one alone!!!!

20-- PLEASE EXCUSE MARY FOR BEING ABSENT
YESTERDAY. SHE WAS IN BED WITH GRAMPS.(oh dear)

21-- GLORIA WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY
AS SHE WAS HAVING A GANGOVER. (these tennessee girls are something, huh...
marines, gramps, gangs.. what next?? HHAHAHAHAHAHA)

22-- PLEASE EXCUSE BRENDA. SHE HAS BEEN
SICK AND UNDER THE DOCTOR. (okkkkkaaayyyyyy.. had to ask.. lol)

23-- MARYANN WAS ABSENT DECEMBER 11-16,
BECAUSE SHE HAD A FEVER, SORE THROAT, HEADACHE AND UPSET STOMACH. HER
SISTER WAS
ALSO SICK, FEVER AN SORE THROAT, HER BROTHER HAD A LOW GRADE FEVER AND
ACHED ALL
OVER. I WASN'T THE BEST EITHER, SORE THROAT AND FEVER. THERE MUST BE
SOMETHING
GOING AROUND, HER FATHER EVEN GOT HOT LAST NIGHT.
(hahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahhahahahahaha)

To join my group [INLINE]

During class, a 6th grade teacher trying to teach good manners asks the students, one by one - "Rich, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" she asked. "Just a minute, I have to go pee." The teacher replied "That would be rude and impolite!" "What about you Bill, how would you say it?" "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back." The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the table." "And you Little Bernie, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?" I would say: "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after supper." The teacher fainted

To join my group [INLINE]

Just received this from Ryan T Smith<br
stepped over the line with this advertisement and there
is no<br
people for whom we have enormous<br
are men and women who demonstrate more courage in a
single<br
accomplish more, inspire more,<br
to be proud. For myself personally and for
this<br
were a way to run<br
Wieden, Co-Founder & CEO<br
Apologize<br
2000<br
the community for<br
eBility.com, who took offense to a paragraph<br
running in the United States for the Nike ACG Air
Dri-Goat<br
magazines.<br
family and friends.<br
are no laughing matter and that paragraph<br
not have been included in the ad. We are immediately
pulling this<br
publication.<br
running shoe was to<br
the right equipment to prevent injuries.<br
certainly did not mean to offend, or make light of any form
of<br
athletic goals of people<br
firmly believe in the philosophy of our
late<br
"If you have a<br
a strong record on employing people
with<br
as Craig<br
others in its advertising. Nike also<br
2000 Australian Paralympic Team. A former Nike
president, Bob<br
wheelchair, and we have a<br
Network.<br
corporate<br
nikebiz.com.

I am a C6-C7 quadriplegic! I'm paralyzed from mid chest down and rely
on a wheelchair for mobility. One of the things that has helped me
get through the difficulties of being paralyzed is a great support
group. A disabled friend and I have created an Online Support Group
Message Board where you can read about other people's struggles and
disabilities as well as post messages about yourself. There are all
different topics on our message board and it's very easy to register
and begin posting and replying to other people's messages. Your
experience may encourage someone else and your advice could also be
priceless to someone who is struggling. Please come and be a part of
this online support group at www.gloryinweakness.com
I look forward to hearing from you!

Curtis

hee hee....me niether!!! :)

Harry had a bit of a drinking problem.

Every night, after dinner, he took off for the local watering hole, spent the entire evening there and arrived home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened.

His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and his returned drunken state. But Harry continued his nightly routine.

One day, the wife, distraught by it all, talked to a friend about her husband's behavior.

The friend listened to her and then asked, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways."

The wife thought it was worth trying.

That night, Harry took off again after dinner. Around midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition. His wife heard Harry at the door and let him in.

This time, instead of berating him as she had always done, she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little.

After a while, she said to him, "It's pretty late. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you?"

At that, Harry replied in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble if I go home anyway!"

What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and
calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.

How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the
time they don't work.

How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger between his neck and the noose.

How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
All he's concerned with is legs, breasts, and thighs.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
ONE......He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve
around him.

What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.

What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
Any place without a drive-up window.

What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.

Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
When the crew gets lost in space, the woman will ask for directions.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
Exchange him.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.

What's the best way to force a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.

What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man?
Big Foot's been spotted several times.

What's the smartest thing a man can say?
"My wife says...."

Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
So men can understand them.

Why did God create man before woman?
Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating
your masterpiece.

Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.

Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there

I hope everyone has Happy Halloween and the tricks are of the pleasant
ones...Dorla :-))

Thought I'd pass a funny around, hope someone enjoys!
Hugs, Neal
As "Larry the Cable Guy" would say.............this is funny.......I don't care who you are..............
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 0800.
The next day at 0845 there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmos all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmos.
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.
"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday........
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles".

yes.. that sure brought a smile to my face.. got my new keyboard ordered today
so things are looking up.... Dorla

On returning to their honeymoon suite 30 years later, He said: When we were first here I wanted to sc#*w your brains out.

She said: And now??

He said: I pretty much succeeded!
A Woman's Sense of Humor
My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

This one takes a while to load, but worth it I think, take care and hope the
week goes better for you. <br
target=new
care!<br

A Woman's Sense of Humor
My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

5 secrets to romantic happiness
1. It is important to find a man who works around the house, cooks and
cleans and who has a job.
2. It is important to find a man who makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man who is dependable and doesn't lie.
4. It is important to find a man who's good in bed and who loves to have
sex with you.
5. It is MOST important that these four men never meet

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!"
He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"

I did and all sorts of things happened.. Borrowed one to use until I can get to
town to buy me a new one. I fried it....That's probably why I am such a grouch
today... lol Dorla

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks," What are these, Dad? To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son.
Men use them to have safe sex.""Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of
3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package? " The dad replies," Those are for high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday." "Cool" says the boy.
He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack!
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for the married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March....etc."

Hi!
I am disabled women and I run 2 sites for disabled people. They were created as an outlet for the disabled person to express himself or herself with out having to be scrutinized and judged by what society deems as beautiful.
Here they be free, feel sexy and beautiful and have adoring fans that admire them for their individual beauty rather then see them as some freak or torn apart for their flaws that other forms of media may have done.
The 1st one is http://www.gimpsgonewild.com/
the other is http://www.enablingelegance.com
If interested in modeling, please check out the 'become a model' sections to apply. Please indicate which site or both sites when emailing us!
Thank you and look forward to hearing from you!
GGW & EE
Also check out my site with wheelchair and other disability humor, cool rims and more!
www.gimpstore.com

http://www.gimpsgonewild.com ~ wild & sexy disabled models
http://www.enablingelegance.com ~ classic disabled modeling
http://www.gimpstore.com ~ funny tshirts and more with disability humor

Hope I get this correct.. If you use OutLook ..
go to tools/ message rules/mail/ Then you can either
block the sender if you just want to screen a
particular person or you can choose...new/If the subject
line contains Fw: and also choose Do Not Download or
you can choose delete it.. If my directions aren't
good enough ..let me know and I'll try to explain it
again. I can never remember what I've done after I've
done it. lol ...Good Luck...Dorla

Ok, Dorla...What I want to know is how do you
screen out the fwd.ed messages. I never open anything
forwarded unless I REALLY know who sent it. And everday I
get a bunch of them. I have a friend who thinks she
has to forward everything to everyone she knows. This
will keep me from haviong to constantly drop hints she
doesn't catch on to.<br
have a delete button, right?!<br

[LINK]

This invitation expires in 30 days. Wednesday, 18 January 2006 - 12:16 PM GMT

heathersci@... has invited you to join the Recipe_Xchange group!

I would love to have you all join us in my joke group!
Huggs Heather

Join this group!

[LINK]

This invitation expires in 30 days. Wednesday, 18 January 2006 - 12:03 PM GMT

heathersci@... has invited you to join the TheJokeGallery2 group!

I would love to have you all join us in my joke group!
Huggs Heather

Join this group!

While I usually don't post here, I sure enjoy reading the messages! Take care
all! Have a nice Sunday...<br
href=http://www.angelfire.com/hi3/hideho/index.html
target=new

How about this lady for a good VP? Sound on and listen up!

http://www.nbc.com/nbc/The_Tonight_Show_with_Jay_Leno/fruitcake_lady/
Happy New Year! <heathersci@...

MY CANDIDATE FOR PRESIDENT IN 2008

Here we are already discussing the future President of the United
States in the Year 2008. Well, I have my own candidate and I'm sure
that once you know who I'm for, you will also agree.
For those of you who would like another choice for President, I have the best solution:
It is probably time we have a woman as President. My choice, and I hope
yours as well, is a very special Lady that has all the answers to our problems.
PLEASE give it a thought when you have a moment....

[INLINE]

MAXINE FOR PRESIDENT!!!

[INLINE]

Very eloquently put............don't you think?

Maxine on "Driver Safety" "I can't use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.".......
Maxine on "Life" "Life is like an oven. It burns my a**!"
Maxine on "Housework" "I do my housework in the nude. It gives me an incentive to clean the mirrors as quickly as possible."
Maxine on "Lawn Care" "The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless."
Maxine on "The Perfect Man" "All I'm looking for is a guy who'll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed."
Maxine on "Technology Revolution" "My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice."
Maxine on "Aging" "Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a Margarita."

[INLINE]

"I'm telling you ... she's the perfect candidate."

[INLINE]
"My thoughts exactly"

~~~~~

Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it.
If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your butt will get soaking wet.
The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely.
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have millions of old ladies running around with tattoos?
Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than a Kia.
Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.
After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching somewhere, you may be dead.

~~~~~

If you don't forward this to ten of your friends within the next five minutes, your belly button will fall off.

Really... it's true! Have I ever lied to you?

So don't forget, November 2008: VOTE FOR MAXINE FOR PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.

There's no one better for the job.
MAXINE HAS MY VOTE!

To join my groups

How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3) Insist that your e mail address is: Xena-Warrior-Princess@... ....or Elvis-the-King@...
4) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
5) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."
6) Pretend an unnatural fear of staplers.
7) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
8) In the memo field of all your checks, write "FOR SEXUAL FAVORS".
9) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."
10) Don't use any punctuation
11) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
12) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
13) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
14) Sing along at the opera.
15) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
16) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
17) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
18) Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.
19) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream"I Won!", "I Won!" 3rd time this week!!!"
20) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!"
21) Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
22) Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or have asked you not to send them stuff like this.
To join my groups:

A man visiting from Mexico goes to a hockey game during his visit.
Afterwards his Sister asks him how he liked it.
It was great... the man visiting from Mexico replied... I got there just
before the game started... only to find that every seat in the arena was
filled. And the Usher told me that although I couldn't sit in the aisle, I
could climb up and sit on the platform where the guy sat when they had ice
shows at the ice arena. So I did.
How was the game then? the Sister asked.
It was great... the Man again replied... And the other people in the arena
were really concerned about me... Because just before the game started
they all stood up and asked me together...
JOSE CAN YOU SEE?

Immigration Test

Mujibar was trying to get into the USA legally through Immigration.

The Immigration Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed most of the tests,but there is one more test Unless you pass it you cannot enter the United States of America.

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am ready."

The Officer said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up,say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now lives in a neighborhood near you and works at a Verizon help desk.

I talked to him yesterday

Washington DC... U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice is pictured
entering the White House with two of her top aids.
When blocked by the Press for a comment enroute to a reported late night
meeting in the White House's Situation Room... Ms. Rice reportedly
threatened the reporters and kept refering to the President and
Vice-President as Mighty Mumra and Skeletor.

A Texas Panhandle rancher and his wife were bickering while holidaying in France. They were still hardly speaking to each other after being seated in a fancy French restaurant for dinner.

When the waiter arrived the rancher said: "I'll have a big, thick porterhouse steak."

The waiter replied: "Monsieur ... what about ze mad cow?"

To which the rancher replied, "She'll have a salad."

MY CANDIDATE FOR PRESIDENT IN 2008

Here we are already discussing the future President of the United
States in the Year 2008. Well, I have my own candidate and I'm sure
that once you know who I'm for, you will also agree.
For those of you who would like another choice for President, I have the best solution:
It is probably time we have a woman as President. My choice, and I hope
yours as well, is a very special Lady that has all the answers to our problems.
PLEASE give it a thought when you have a moment....

[INLINE]

MAXINE FOR PRESIDENT!!!

[INLINE]

Very eloquently put............don't you think?

Maxine on "Driver Safety" "I can't use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.".......
Maxine on "Life" "Life is like an oven. It burns my a**!"
Maxine on "Housework" "I do my housework in the nude. It gives me an incentive to clean the mirrors as quickly as possible."
Maxine on "Lawn Care" "The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless."
Maxine on "The Perfect Man" "All I'm looking for is a guy who'll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed."
Maxine on "Technology Revolution" "My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice."
Maxine on "Aging" "Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a Margarita."

[INLINE]

"I'm telling you ... she's the perfect candidate."

[INLINE]
"My thoughts exactly"

~~~~~

Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it.
If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your butt will get soaking wet.
The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely.
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have millions of old ladies running around with tattoos?
Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than a Kia.
Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.
After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching somewhere, you may be dead.

~~~~~

If you don't forward this to ten of your friends within the next five minutes, your belly button will fall off.

Really... it's true! Have I ever lied to you?

So don't forget, November 2008: VOTE FOR MAXINE FOR PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.

There's no one better for the job.
MAXINE HAS MY VOTE!

To join my groups

I happened to do a terrible thing ...I wanted to
send Halloween greeting to my friends and made up my
card and clicked send.. It just hung there so I
clicked it again and again and again. Well, you know what
happened ...I sent lots of cards to the same people.
Evidently it angered some and so this morning I received a
bunch in my e mail also. Some of them are just plain
dirty jokes and perhaps I have been guilty of sending
objectionable material before and I offer an apology. I did
send out some apologies for the repeated cards but
actually couldn't remember to all who I had sent the cards
to. I have placed a filter on my e mail that will
return all mail sent to me that has Fw: in the subject
line .. so if you send me a personal message make sure
Fw: isn't in the subject line or otherwise you'll
just get it sent right back to you and I'll never
receive it.. Dorla

Nancy, I'll be home from work (barring unforeseen setbacks) around 5; think we
should go ahead with that call we talked about? If so, email me with your
response and I'll email you my #..<br

On Monday Dawn will be having surgery to put in a
gastrostomy tube. Since she has lost her swallowing reflex
she will need to be tube fed. Hopefully in time some
of her swallowing reflex will return but the Drs.
aren't being to positive about it. <br
in your prayers.<br

Hi there!

It's great to have you aboard amongst us all! I'm Smurf (real name Sarah) and I'm 21 from the UK! I'm a para after a road accident nearly 4 years ago.

It's a fantastic place here with some amazing people which you'll get to meet real soon!

Take it easy, chat soon

Love Smurf xxx

In a message dated 11/01/2006 18:30:40 GMT Standard Time, h.kallin@... writes:

I am a 39 year male. I have 9 degenerative spinal diseases. I live
alone in a house. I am from Kentucky. I have had to use a wheelchair
off and on since 2001. I have a few good days but the majority are not
so good. So the chair gets used a little more often than before. I
am glad that someone had the forsight to create a group for those of
us who live with this everyday because so many do not have a clue aas
to what we go thru.

Dawn has impaired vision. She has lost total
vision in one eye and has only minimal vision in the
other. She sees only shadows or outlines. Her prognosis
is not good. The Dr. does not think she will ever be
able to eat solid foods. She continues to be fed with
a N/G tube. The involuntary movement of her arms
can be controled by either medication of
bio-feedback.<br
is very impaired. She can be understood at times but
can not articulate her words. She will require
extensive speech therapy. The Dr. does not expect her to
regain her speech, it will never be quite the same. One
thing that has remained the same is Dawn's attitude and
humor. That is what makes Dawn the Dawn we know and
love. Only time will tell what remains
unchanged.<br
possible with God. The power of pray is very great and by
them we know mountains can be moved. <br
all for your thoughts and concern.<br

For those of you that have never seen a pic of
Dawn here is the link to her dawn_hotwheels profile.
She is pictured here with Tommy Vee from the Vees.
She was at their concert about a month ago. For you
babyboomers that remember Bobby Vee, this is one of his sons.

I am a 39 year male. I have 9 degenerative spinal diseases. I live
alone in a house. I am from Kentucky. I have had to use a wheelchair
off and on since 2001. I have a few good days but the majority are not
so good. So the chair gets used a little more often than before. I
am glad that someone had the forsight to create a group for those of
us who live with this everyday because so many do not have a clue aas
to what we go thru.

She was removed from the vent today but still in icu..Dorla

NIKE STATEMENT RE: AIR DRI-GOAT AD<br
have heard from a number of people who took offense to
a particular paragraph within an ad running in the
United States for the Nike ACG Air Dri-Goat trail
running shoe currently running in several outdoor
magazines. We offer a sincere apology to those people, their
family and friends. Clearly, disabilities of any form
are no laughing matter and that paragraph should not
have been included in the ad. We are immediately
pulling this offensive ad from future
publication.<br
running shoe was to communicate the benefits of using the
right equipment to prevent injuries. We certainly did
not mean to offend, or make light of any form of
disability.<br
athletic goals of people of all levels of ability. We
firmly believe in the philosophy of our late co-founder,
legendary track coach Bill Bowerman, who said, "If you have
a body, you are an athlete." Nike has a strong
record on employing people with different abilities, and
has included athletes as diverse as Craig Blanchette,
Casey Martin, Ric Munoz and others in its advertising.
Nike also outfitted the 2000 Australian Paralympic
Team. A former Nike president, Bob Woodell, suffered a
spinal cord injury and is confined to a wheelchair, and
we have a Disabled Employee Network.<br
information about Nike and our dedication to corporate
responsibility we invite people to check out our web site at
nikebiz.com.

I am personally asking for everyone's prayers for
Dawn (aka: melissa_smile_us and formerly
dawn_hotwheels). She is presently on a ventilator and struggling
for her life. If anyone wants further information as
to her condition feel free to message me. All of you
who know Dawn are aware of the many obstacles she has
overcome. This is one that is in God's hands. Please offer
up your prayer's for her. <br
you.<br

The ad is despicable! I read my husband's issue
myself and couldn't believe my eyes! I have written an
email to Backpacker magazine saying that their ads
reflect their attitudes, whether they want them to or
not, so they should screen them more closely...What
else can we do? Any other addresses we could write and
rattle?<br
target=new

Hi Kev,

What's your level of injury, and are you able to speak/talk verbally? (As in... are you on a vent/trach?) My dad is a C-1 and was in a halo for a little over a month - had some major problems due to the fact that he was unable to direct care vocally or say/shout when something was wrong.... but I've known people who had no problems at all, too. What would you like to know?

~ Moe
Kev <weakneck1@...

hi there any one else ever been in a halo or is in one now and care to
chat as want to do surgery on me place me in a halo?

"The darkest moments of our lives are not to be buried and forgotten, rather they are a memory to be called upon for inspiration to remind us of the unrelenting human spirit and our capacity to overcome the intolerable."

"Fortunately the Air Dri-Goat features a patented
goat-like outer sole for increased traction so you can
taunt mortal injury without actually experiencing it.
Right about now you're probably asking yourself 'How
can a trail running shoe with an outer sole designed
like a goat's hoof help me avoid compressing my spinal
cord into a Slinky on the side of some unsuspecting
conifer, thereby rendering me a drooling, misshapen
non-extreme-trail-running husk of my former self, forced to roam the earth
in a motorized wheelchair with my name embossed on
one of those cute little license plates you get at
carnivals or state fairs, fastened to the back?' "

If any of the other members are as angry about this ad as I am they can E mail
their complaints to :<br
Thomas.Shealey@...

I WAS TRYING TO BE NICE AND SHARE THOSE RECIPES AND YOU OF ALL PEOPLE SHOULD JUST SHUT UP AND STOP COMPLAINING. YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT SOMETHING! THAT IS WHY YOU WERE REMOVED FROM MY GROUP. I LET YOU BACK IN MY GROUP EVEN AFTER YOU CAUSED PROBLEMS BECAUSE YOU KEPT ASKING. YOU HAVENT SEEN ME COMPLAINING ABOUT THE FACT YOU FORWARD JOKES FROM MY GROUP TO THIS GROUP. YOU SAID THOSE RECIPES SHOULDNT BE SENT HERE BECAUSE THIS ISNT THE PLACE. IF YOU GO BY THAT THEN YOU COULD SAY THIS ISNT THE PLACE FOR JOKES. IF YOU HAVE SUCH A PROBLEM WITH THINGS I DO GET OUT OF MY GROUP. WHY DO YOU THINK YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO POST IN MY GROUP. I DO NOT LIKE DRAMA!! ITS NOT LIKE THIS GROUP IS ACTIVE AND IM SENDING SOMETHING TOTALLY OFF THE WALL. GEEZ!!!

Scott I will email me personally about the Italian restaurant recipe
thing. MMMMMMMM PASTA!
Sorry to hear that you had to give up your business after the accident.
But hope that you are able to continue cooking Italian.
Seems like cooking, recipes, would be one thing that ether a Paraplegic or
Quadriplegic would really enjoy. If unable to cook it, able to direct
others in the effort. And or at least enjoying eating it.
AND WHO IN ANY CONDITION DOESN'T LIKE EGGS?
Anyway, I have become ruined on scrambled eggs since replacing my old
microwave with a new one that features a feature called Quick Breakfast. A
feature that allows you to make scrambled eggs right in the bowl that you
eat them in.
This however has not stopped me for experimenting with ingredients like
different kinds of cheeses while making them in the new microwave though:)
EATING GOOD FOOD RULES! WILL

Multiple Choice Cookies
This recipe is so good and it makes a lot of cookies, though it is messy to make because you have to use your hands to mix. My mother was 98 when she died a year ago and she wanted these made a couple of times a month until the day she died.
Ingredients:
2 c. brown sugar
2 c. sugar
4 c. oatmeal
3 c. flour
1 tsp. salt
2 tsp. baking soda
2 tsp. cinnamon
1 c. nuts
1 c. coconut (can add anything, chocolate chips, raisins, etc.)
2 c. shortening (Crisco® solid butter flavor)
1 c. peanut butter
4 eggs
2 tsp. vanilla
Directions:
Mix dry ingredients well by hand. Add liquids and mix well. Form dough into long rolls and wrap in wax paper. Put dough in refrigerator to chill before slicing, or you can freeze them. I chill mine overnight. Slice and bake on an ungreased baking sheet at 375 degrees for 10 minutes.
To join my groups:

It's the next to the last football game tonight
so I won't be able to be in chat but keep saving
that place for me...lol...We have a Birthday Party to
attend after the game so I won't even be able to drop in
late. I hope everyone has a good time and thanks SLady
for getting it going again..See you next week. Dorla

1 tablespoon wheat germ
2 cups plus 1 tablespoon sugar substitute (recommended: Splenda)
16 ounces real cream cheese, room temperature
1 cup sour cream
1 cup whole milk ricotta cheese
3/4 cup Key lime juice (fresh or bottled)
2 tablespoons no sugar added vanilla extract
1/4 cup hot water
2 limes, zested, divided
3 envelopes unflavored gelatin (recommended: Knoxx brand)
3/4 cup boiling water
Special Equipment: 10-inch deep pie plate or cake pan
Sprinkle the wheat germ and 1 tablespoon sugar substitute over the bottom of the pie plate to create a "faux" crust.
In the bowl of an electric mixer, beat the softened cream cheese, sour cream, ricotta cheese, lime juice, 2 cups sugar substitute, vanilla extract, 1/4 cup hot water, and zest of 1 lime on medium speed until well combined.
Using a fork to mix, thoroughly dissolve the 3 envelopes of gelatin